Devin and I break up and we both get into Toxic Relationships

“Gresha, you need to go to dryout! We just want the old Gresha back!”  I remember my mom saying that to me on several different occasions.  Who the Hell was the old Gresha?  I don’t even remember who she is or what she was like!  Gresha was gone and all that was left of her was just a weak, ugly, shell of a body, empty sunken in eyes with bags and dark circles around them.  The old Gresha was no longer here, I was, at this point just merely existing, I was a worthless waste of space. No longer a good mother, good girlfriend to Devin, good daughter or sister.

After spending a week in the hospital due to my first sezuire and suffering from a tramatic brain injury I was so disoriented all the time.  My speech was slurred, my balance was off, I remember on several different occasions running into walls while walking because my equilibrium was so off.  I had a hard time remembering what day it was a lot, and always had this overwhelming fear this would happen again, so you would think that I would wnt to get better, but I continued to slowly kill myself from the inside out.

At this point, after many years of Doctor shopping, I finally found the what would be every opiate addicts dream Doctor, a Doc that was very free with his prescription pad.  All I had to do was make up a lie about what I needed a certain medication for and he was ready and willing to write out and hand it over.

From this Doctor alone, I was receiving 120 Vicodin, the strongest one you can get, 90 highest streagnth xannax, and 60 ridalin.  When the time came for my monthly visit I would always arrive early, they would call me in and my heart would pump so hard it was coming out of my chest!  I would start to sweat, and get this overwhelming feeling of unbelievable joy!

I would get back to the room and go over the huge lie I would tell this Doc to make sure would keep giving the pills that kept me feeling normal.  He would knock, come in, sit down and ask how I’m doing and then he started, writing out the scripts, easy as pie.  When he was writing the scripts I would anxiously wait the sweet sound of the tearing that magical piece of paper off the pad, he would then hand me one script at a time, when he was done, he left the room and I was off and running to the pharmacy.  I couldn’t even wait until I got to my home pharmacy so I would use the one that was directly across the street from the Doc.

Within under 2 weeks, the scripts would be gone, I would take all of them, under 2 weeks it took me to consume that much medication.  After it was gone I was hitting the streets, lying and hussling my way to make it through, to keep from getting dope sick, I hung onto the calender and had the day circled when I had my next appointment.

Devin and my relationship was hanging on by a thread, I wasn’t the mother I should have been, everyone was getting fed up with my addiction and I was so sick of living this way.  I knew I had a problem but I was to scared to fix it.

I was called a 72 hour detox facuility and within 2 weeks, I went in and attempted to get through the whole 72 hours, but I would fail, I couldn’t hack it. The withdrawals I was starting to get only one day into it were proving to be just to much for me to handle, physically and mentaly.  I had checked myself out and Devin had unwillingly come to get me.

Not to long after my first failed attempt at detox, Devin and my relationship started going down the drain.  He couldn’t trust me, he was losing his faith in me as a mother and a good girlfriend.  He would start drowning himself in his work as a well driller at the time, and when he wasn’t working, he was hanging out with friends, taking the kids to his mothers house and hanging out there all day, I was ultimately alone, all the time.  I got to the point I couldn’t take it anymore, Devin couldn’t take it anymore, Devin was at the end of the rope, he has, at this point enabled me to much, he was just as sick as I was, he would do anything to keep me happy, but now, it was time for him to take care of himself and our children.  We had finally broken up.  We were both devastated but it had to be done.  We had been together for 9 years, 9 years of addiction and Hell for Devin.

Neither Devin nor I were ever really good at being alone, or without eachother.  It wasn’t long before we both filled that emptiness with someone else.

He moved back in with his parents and started seeing another women that I will call Jane, and I moved in with a friend that escalated into a toxic relationship, Ill call him John.

I knew John from my past, before I started into the hard drugs, when I was about 17 or 18 and drinking and partying a lot.  He had moved away for years and then came back to the town I lived in.

When Devin and I broke up, I instantly went to John for comfort, trying to fill that void of Devin not being there.  I stayed with him for a couple days and after that, I moved in.  From then on out, our relationship was nothing but drugs, doing drugs, getting drugs, getting high.  We fed off eachothers addictions.  At first, it was great, I felt happy and free because I had someone to do drugs with, and someone who had a common interest.  But it wasn’t long before our relationship would start getting bad, toxic.  To many drugs, I started having sezuires again.  He started mixing uppers with downers right along with me, I started losing all ambition to take care of my children, I was to weak, the drugs took over my whole body, mind and soul, even worse then before. John started to have blackouts, and it started to get physical. When he mixed the uppers with the downers, it would take him to this aweful place, it would cause strange paranoia and crazy halucinations.

John and I were together for about 4 months.  During that time, Devin and I split custody of our children, we only had the 2 boys at the time, and I had Aden as well. About 3 months into my and Johns relationship, Devin wasn’t even sure if he would be able to drop the kids off, Devin along with my parents soon could not trust me with my own kids.  There would be times that Devin or my parents would drop off the kids and John and I would be passed out and not even coharents or aware enough to take care of them, so they would just take them back.  On several occasions, my mom would show up to Johns house and I couldn’t even stand up without falling over I was so high.

At this point in my addiction, I couldn’t even take care of myself, I would go days without a shower, days without even going outside, Aden started staying mostly with my parents if he wasn’t with his dad, and Devin had our boys most of the time.  I missed almost every baseball game of Adens, and I missed Steehls 3rd birthday party, either because I was to high to go, to weak to get out of bed, or I would just forget.  On the occasion of the birthday party, my mom came to get me at Johns house where I was staying, I got up to get ready to go, walked out into the kitchen and fell right back down to the floor.  My mom walked out and didn’t take me to my sons birthday party and I have never blamed her for that!

Another important event that I have missed, that I had a hard time forgiving myself for is my sisters bachlerrette party.  I was the maid of honor and I was not there nor did I participate in any of her wedding functions such as bridal showers and things like that.  The day I was suppose to go to the party, John and I were at my parents and I sat in the middle of the driveway, unable to even hold my head up, unable to get my head out of my own lap!  I couldn’t talk without slurring my words and my own child was so discusted with me, he would even come near me or give me a hug after begging him to, he wouldn’t even embrace his mother. To him, I was a monster and he had so much resentment towards me.  My mom refused to take me to the bachlerette party, I couldn’t even function like a normal human being, I didn’t belong there, nor did I deserve to be there.

I have done some unspeakable things, some things that I can not take back that I wish so badly that I can.  Over 2 years in recovery, I am starting to forgive myself for the way I was and the things that I have done.

In my next post I want to write more about mine and Johns and Devin and Janes relationship, write more about Devin and my feelings towards eachother.  Devin and I never once lost feelings for eachother, they were just to deep down to dig up from years of resentments towards me for what I have done to myself, him, our children and relationship.

God Bless to all, and remember, in your deepest darkest moments of despair, keep going, crawl if you have to towards that light, eventually it will shine through!!!

 

 

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Anything can happen, with just a little faith!


So, its 2016 now… Wow!! I have gone a whole other year getting through the holidays clean and sober! If you are a recovering addict, you know how the holidays are very hard to get through with out that damn monster called addiction following you around everywhere! But I once again managed to stay one step ahead of it!

This year has been so full of ups and downs, twists and turns, but one thing is for sure, I have become closer to family, and most of all, closer to God!

This year, God has actually shown me what the purpose was of putting me through all of my struggles, and that is to help people like myself, and I am honoring what God has in store for me and walking his path for me every single day!

Dont get me wrong, I still dont go to church like I want to, or should, I still dont live Godly, I still swear, I still make mistakes,  I still sin, Im still human. God has proven how forgiving He is with me, He is showing me that the power of prayer is a mighty, MIGHTY thing, and He continues to bless my family beyond measure!

There was a time that I was SO ANGRY with God that I actually stopped believing, there was no way that God would put one human being through as much as He had put me through. He gave me this life that I wasnt even sure I could live through. Why would He give me a baby at 18 years old just to take him away, why would he make me bury my own son at such a young age where I didnt even think anyone could feel that much emotional and physical pain, WHY WOULD HE DO THIS TO ME!! “God must not excist, there is no way there is even a God!” That was my thinking. Why would he give me this addiction? Why would he put my family through so much pain and hardship? I just didnt get it…

I celebrated 2 years in recovery on October 17th 2015, my biggest triumph, the furthest I have gone without relapse, and I intend to stay this way!

I started believing again when I surrendered to my addiction, when I knew I, myself was powerless to the Devil, this Demon, a monster. I also surrendered to God. I remember thinking, “if God is real, then now is the time I need Him!” So I Prayed, I yelled, I cried, I gave up. I gave up, and I gave it to God, because I knew I was to weak, and He is the one who gave me strength! The strength I needed to overcome and kick this addiction, and now here I am 2 years later, alive!! Not just physically here on earth, but I have never felt more alive, my soul, my heart, mind and body is so alive! And its this amazing feeling that I cant even describe knowing I got a second and actually a 3rd chance. And I got a second chance at trusting in my God for it is He who have me life again. He brought me back to my children, parents and family. He put me through these struggles for a higher purpose.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight.”

Proverbs 3:5

That has been my go to verse when I struggle. This year I had witnessed God work a miracle on my Dad. He was having issues with his heart, and he, along with all his family were scared, I was scared I was losing my dad and the thought of that made me weak knowing that one day, I will have to live without my parents, even writing this now, I am tearing up. Anyway! He Prayed and pleaded with God to take this away, and He did, and the overwhelming feeling my Dad felt at that moment changed his life today as we know it. Now both, my mom and Dad are healthier then they have been in a long time, losing weight like crazy and my Dad and mom found their way back to church, and back to God.

My point? Anything can happen through God. And an addict CAN RECOVER! I am not trying to preach and I am not trying to push my beliefs, like I said earlier, I dont go to church like I know I probably should, I still am a sinner and I make so many mistakes in life, I have done horrible things while in active addiction, I have lied, stolen, cheated the ones I confess to love out of many years of happiness, I have put my parents through unspeakable amount of distress and my husband and children, being on the front lines of my addiction? Well, I brought them right straight down to Hell with me! I dragged my family name through the mud over and over, lost trust, lost faith, lost my damn dignity, lost my soul and inner beauty. My addiction has lead me to the point that to the ones I love most, it felt like an F-5 tornado has ripped through our family, tore us apart leaving peices everywhere for us to find and mend back together! But with the power of Prayer and God, we are finally on the mend, and this past year has proven that with God, anything can happen! A heart can be repaired and an addict can recover and become a BETTER person than they were before!

2015 was full of amazing opportunities! I started writing blogs for a recovery group, got an article published in a recovery news paper, and I just received the other night another amazing opportunity to help others in active addiction, in early recovery,  and I have the opportunity to try and help my county and community become a better place!

I am overwhelmed by the opportunities that have been given to me, and I will work my hardest to honor the work God has given me. I have been blessed beyond what I ever thought was possible, I have my 4 children, amazing husband, my parents, family and friends.

Here is to 2016 being even greater!!!

And may God Bless each and everyone of you, with God and faith, anything is possible!!! 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My new journey!

143778231101614437990667651445798475796I just wanted to let all of my awesome followers know that I am currently working with a recovery group writing blogs for them! As I have started on this new adventure, I feel humbled and very blessed to have been given this amazing opportunity!!

Tonight as I lay down to sleep, I am at a peace with where I feel I need to be after a very rough, temptation filled week! I have all my babies under one roof, our tummies are full, we have a roof over our heads, and warmth with heat as well as love.

There was a time that not all of my children wanted to be under the same roof as me! Aden, I want to talk real quick about how my addiction has affected my child. And i say Aden specificly because I was an addict from the time he was 2 weeks old to just a few years ago!

I didnt provide Aden the life he deserved growing up as a small child. He seen me sick more times than he has seen me well. At one point, that is all he knew, and at one point, I felt, as well as him, that he was my care taker and the younger kids as well. He was always worrying, always in his toes. He was dragged out at all hours of the night, and he has witnessed the wrath of the Devil taking over my mind, body and soul.

Aden was just telling me tonight, “Mom, do you realize that I still remember the very day you had your last seziure? October 3rd, 2011!” That day was his breaking point, the day I lost him, the day he had lost all trust and faith in his mommy, the one who was suppose to take care of HIM. The one who was suppose to set an example, a standard of how a good mom should be, and I failed, miserably.

After that day, Aden would start being depressed, get angry, sad, mopey and he couldnt even bare to live with me, he was scared.

The day of my last seziure, he was alone with me and his 2 younger brothers and he thought that his mom was dying right before his little eyes. Thats when he would start living with my parents, and eventually his Dad and I decided it would be best for Aden to live with his dad. That, I will forever regret, the biggest mistake of my life, my son had lost all hope and faith in me. I had put drugs before my children.

My little boys had seen me have a seziure but at that time, they were young enough to where they didnt quite understand why, they just thought mommy was sick, because thats what everyone told them.

I have done a lot of shameful things in the 10 years of my addiction, things I certainly am not proud of, but failing, and letting down my son is number 1 on my list of shitty things I have done.

On this day, 2 years clean and sober, I am happy to say, with hard work and dedication, Aden regained his trust in me, we have a great relationship, and our bond is unbreakable! He stays with me every other weekend and mist of the summers. He still lives with his Dad for now in Zeeland MI, and is thriving. He plays traveling baseball, and is an avid hunter, and does good in school. It took a lot of work from both him and I, but we made it!

Addiction effects everyone around you, it will tear your life and family apart and in my case, it almost took a mother away from her children. And children away from their mother.

There is nothing in this world that will ever break our bond, nothing is more important than my children, Aden, Steehl, Reign and Pheenyx.

When you have an addiction, it takes something that is worth more then drugs to get clean,  for me, it was MY CHILDREN!!! 🙂

This will be the last blog I will be posting for a while so I can concentrate on my recovery group blogs. If anyone would like to read them, you can catch them on Aid In Recovery facebook page and like it and AidInRecovery.com.

If people would like me to copy and paste to this blog, I can do that as well! Just leave a coment and feedback and I will let you all know!!

I am very excited about this new adventure as this blog is getting out to people all around the United States, reaching more addicts like myself, this is my whole goal in my recovery! Helping addicts like myself!!

Love and life always, and God Bless you all!!!

Gresha Lou

 

 

Recovery needs Support

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This is my family, my husband Devin, who in my eyes, is a Super Hero, in every aspect in my life. He has withstood every late night, every fight, every seziure, every late night run to the ER, every late night run to get my fix, he has been by my side through the depths of Hell. He has helped me with the addiction, and even though a couple times he let go, he has always come back, our love alone has conquered this desease, and our love has prevailed.

My kids, they all are my strength, motivation, energy, will power and they teach me patients every single day! They all have experienced and have been with me through out my desease, I have done some horrible things and was not the best mother, and never got the mother of the year award for sure!

As I sit out in the woods with my husband, watching for deer, I sit and ponder how beautiful nature is. How I can hear the birds chirping, the crickets as It becomes dusk, the smell of the pine tree’s among us,  the smell of the dirt and leaves we sit on. My 5 sences are at its best, and I see so much beauty in the things around me. The slow wind as it moves through the weeds and makes them sway back and fourth. The happiness that this brings to my husband as he sits next to his wife, so alert, not drugged up, that happiness,  and the happiness of my children is what gives me motivation to keep going, to keep putting my recovery above anything else, my recovery always includes my family, their strength is what gives me strength.

An addict in recovery needs an amazing support system, they need to know they have someone to turn to at any given moment. If you dont have a good support system, chances are, a relapse may be in your future.

A little over 2 years ago, before my wedding I had a relapse, the stress of the wedding, things going on, I just COULDN’T take it anymore and I took the first pill that would send me whirling back into addiction, no one knew. And I was living a lie. Everyday was a lie, my whole life was a lie. This relapse lasted a little after the wedding. Something had happened that would change my life, my addiction.

The Wednesday after the wedding I got a phone call, the phone call that would give me the push to get help. An old friend of mine had died due to an overdose. I knew, then and there I had to stop!

A week after that, I walked into the doctors office, an addiction specialist, the first Doctor I had found that actually cared. I walked in there lost, broken, no where to turn, after all, I couldn’t turn to my family yet, because this relapse was a secret, the only people who knew were the people I got the drugs from. We talked about my treatment plan, and I talked to a councler and social worker. When I walked out of that office, I knew this was it, this was the beginning of the rest of my life, and If I didn’t get clean now, I would have been dead before my 31 birthday.

I needed support, so I had to tell my husband. I was scared he was going to leave me, I was scared he would hate me, and never trust me again. Little did I know, he would be the complete opposite. He has been on my side from day 1, and he will always be by my side.

ADDICTS IN RECOVERY NEED SUPPORT, THEY NEED TO KNOW THEY ARE NOT ALONE, THEY NEED YOU!! If they don’t have the love and support they need, I believe recovery is not possible.

HATE THE DESEASE  NOT THE ADDICT…

This was just a little post from my phone, As I sit here in the woods, it gets me thinking about things I want to talk about, things that may pop up in my head I need to get in a post, please bare with until I get a computer. I will he posting a lot about addiction, how to get help, resources, support groups among a lot of other important things That I want to cover about events in my addiction and my treatment.

If your an addict, just never forget, you are not alone… If you are a parent, sister, brother, Aunt, Uncle, Grandma, Grandpa, friend, always remember, you are not alone! I want to share a facebook sight that I find very helpful for parents of addicts called “I am a parent of an addict” Check it out…

Will be posting soon, LOVE TO ALL!!!

And all the addicts in recovery, CONGRATULATIONS, One breath at a time, one second at a time.

 

 

 

 

The struggle of Holiday Weekends

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As the holiday weekend draws very near, I get nervous, an anxiety, if you will. Its a feeling in the pit of my stomach, a burning in my chest. Not only is the 4th of July a time to spend with family, a lot of people, but its, to me, one of the 2 holidays I struggle the most with… It’s time for the parties to start! Time for the drinking to begin, LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!! For me, its the complete opposite, its not that I dont want to party, I do! But how do I go about this “partying” thing without getting high? Here is where my struggle begins.

I have never had a drinking problem, I didnt really drink to often, except on New Years Eve and 4th of July, and occasionally throughout the year. So should I kick back, have a few beers, get drunk and party with everyone else? In my case, drinking is never a good idea while still some what fresh in recovery. Drinking, for me, leads to very bad judgment.

While using, 4th of July use to be a blast! My favorite thing to do? Make sure I had my supply of drug of choice, sit back and watch the fireworks! I remember the first 4th of July watching fireworks, being high. It felt at the time, the most amazing thing I have ever seen. It made them louder, brighter and bigger. Over the years, being high just became a habit, something I had to do in order to watch them, if I wasnt high, it was no fun, and I didnt even want to go see any.

 

The after parties, at first, being high at a party was amazing, I could talk, be social and BE FUN! When my addiction got stronger, I couldnt do any of that without being high, I had forgotten how to be around people being clean, I forgot how to have a conversation, I forgot how to be myself, after all, I forgot who Gresha was. It wasn’t just for fun anymore, being high is what I FELT like I had to be to he normal, being high was my new normal. 

 

This weekend, as I pack to spend time with my husbands family, I think about camping being clean, I think about all the people around me drinking, and having a good time, I think of how much fun it would be just to do it one more time, or just have a few beers, that wont hurt, rite? Why do I have to sit back and be the sober one? Why do I get to watch people all around me be drunk and having a good time? Talking, laughing with eachother? My answere: Because I CAN! 

The first 4th of July with out getting high was last year, I felt the same way I do this year, nervous and anxious, but the fireworks!! Oh Man the fireworks were AMAZING!! They were again finally brighter, louder and bigger then they have EVER been in such a long time, I found out that finally, I can be around people without being high, I CAN DO THIS!! I may be a little more boring but DAMN IT, I AM CLEAN, and the world around me isnt so distorted, muffled, or dark. I can hear my kids laughter, I can FEEL my husbands arms around me as we watch our children play, I can feel the love of family who supports me, my family, who is my solid foundation! Before, I was numb to all of that, because the only thing I worried about was getting high, and that was a huge burden, as many addicts may feel this way too. I dont have to make sure I have enough supply of pills to get me though a camping weekend, I AM FREE! And nothing is holding me down.

 

So for every addict in early recovery, YOU CAN DO THIS! You may struggle, you WILL struggle, but weekends like this, its not one day at a time, its ONE BREATH AT A TIME. 

 

So sit back, have fun watching, and laughing, have fun being able to feel, hear, touch, and see things differently and BETTER, have fun with your children, husband, family or friends, because I guarentee, everything around you will be much more brighter. 

 

Have a good safe 4th OF JULY!!! And keep fighting that Demon, and fighting the good fight!! Keep battling because if I can do it, YOU CAN TOO!! 

Thank you God, for on this day, this weekend, I AM FREE! And this feeling, of being free, is better then any drug.

 

Some days are good and some bad…

Real-Recovery-quoteAs I sit here, on my porch, listening to the wind blow through the leaves, the birds chirping, and my children inside, playing, laughing, I cant help but constantly think about all I have missed when I was high, all I dont remember. All the milestones I didnt get to record, all the “firsts” with them.
But as I sit here, Hearing all these things, seeing all of them with MY own eyes, and not the eyes of an addict, it bring joy and happiness to my heart and soul, I see the whole world so differently now, my 5 senses are better then they have been in a long time, the tree’s, sky, stars and moon are brighter, my childrens laugh is louder and not so muffled, when they wrap their arms around me, I can actually feel it, im not numb to my emotions, and I feel their emotions as well.
The love I have for my family grows stronger and stronger with every single day. Every day is one more day that I am not high, that I enjoy my children and husband, and they enjoy me.
If you are stuck in an addiction, and on the verge of becoming clean, but cant quite get over that hurdle, or cant quite take that first step, let me push you towards the light, just a little bit, because once you see it, you will want to get there so much quicker, and believe me, its worth it! I will not lie, it is hard as hell, you will have good days and bad, you will fall, and you will want to give up at times, but I assure you, IT WILL BE WORTH THE FIGHT!!!
Just keep fighting the good fight, and never give up on who you strive to be…
This is not the post I wanted to post yet, just a quick thought, I will be posting about why I chose to get clean, its a tough one for me.

#abeautifulkindofpain #sertingfiretoyesterday
#findthelight

Addiction is a decease

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I want to share this poem I had written while sitting at my sons baseball game the other day. The feeling of being so proud of him overwhelmed me, that the words just kept flowing, the feeling of knowing how happy he was that I was there, watching him and cheering him on felt great, when it wasn’t to long ago that he didn’t even want to be alone with me, or he was embarrassed to be around me. So proud that our bond now is UNBREAKABLE!! And so proud of him for regaining that trust, because for him, just like me, its learning process. So this poem, I dedicate to my children, whom I love so, so much. They are my reason, for staying alive.

“Addiction is a decease, a decease that is very, very bad.

It makes everyone around you, so very, very sad.

It will take your heart and soul, and rip it all to shreds.

You will love no more family, you will love getting high instead.

It will take your family, and tear it apart.

But you will not care, because you no longer have a heart.

You will lie, cheat and steal from the ones you say you love.

This is all your daily life will ever consist of.

Addiction will take you so far down to Hell, you wont be able to catch your breath,

The only thing you face now, is ultimately your death.

Addiction takes your mind, and it makes your body weak,

You have to start getting high, everyday of the week.

Everyday I wake up thankful I am alive,

I made it one more night, just one more night I survived.

Every single morning, I start my chase to get high,

Then I look up, and I always ask God why?

My addiction gets stronger and stronger everyday,

I start pushing my family and kids further away.

This decease got so bad, I felt dope sick all the time,

Now there is this ladder, I surely have to climb.

There is a ladder standing before me, A ladder out of Hell,

Its time to say goodbye to drugs and the Devil, and bid my farewell.

While climbing this ladder, I look up and see light,

I will continue this journey, and continue to fight.

There will be times where I will break, and times where I will fall,

But I’m doing this for my family, so this monster I will brawl.

I went to Hell and back, with the Devil I came face to face,

But I will beat him in this war with the help of God’s Grace.

I am now almost 2 years clean with my family by my side,

They no longer look at me with sadness, they look at me with pride.

Addiction is a decease, it will always be life long,

But with my family by my side, they will always keep me strong.

It will always tap on my shoulder, or knock on my front door,

but I now have the strength to say to the Devil, NO MORE!!!!”

Not every day is easy for me, there are days I struggle more then others. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that lately I’ve struggled, those that see me on a daily basis maybe notice I am more quiet lately? Some have even mentioned it.

The month of May is a struggle for me, it has been for the past 14 yrs. In 2001 My first born baby passed away, I am still in the learning process of how to deal with this emotion without being high. But those of you out there struggling like myself, I assure you, it will get better, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, it will take a while, but when you get to the point of relief, where you can finally breath a little better, ITS WORTH EVERY STEP!! Never lose sight of whats important to you.

 

 

 

 

Hard to deal with emotions without getting High…

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When I first started my journey to recovery, I often times found myself so scared to feel any type of emotion. I didnt know how to be happy, sad, mad, or even normal without being high. After all, the reason I started drowning myself in pills, and other drugs was to NOT FEEL ANYTHING.

The hardest emotion I struggled to deal with being clean was my sadness, my despair, my loss of a child. How does one deal with something that tramatic without the help of drugs? I had no idea. It was almost like I had to live the horrible event all over again, and learn how to cope, I was on my own with this one.

Not a lot of people like to talk about losing Austin, its like they just wanted to brush it off everytime I started to try and talk about it, it was so painful that no one wanted to drudge up them horrible memories. I didnt want to, but I had to.

The first time I went to Austins graveside, I was a mess. I didn’t even know what to say, so I just stood there, looked down at his grave, then up to the sky. A gust of wind blew through my hair, across my face, and it gave me goose bumps. It was then and there I thought to myself, maybe, just maybe I can get through this.

I walked away from Austins headstone with a big weight lifted off me. I faced my biggest sadness, my biggest loss, without drugs, without being high. I can do this, I have to do this.

I started my journey of sobriety in 2012, I had ups and downs, it was the biggest mountain I would have to climb, I would fall many times, have relapse after relapse, which I will also talk about. But this short post is dedicated to my Angel, as his 14th birthday is tomorrow.

As I sit here typing this I cant help but think of the “what ifs?” Maybe if we had let him stay with us the Doctors may have been wrong, that ultrasound he showed us, maybe it was a mix up, maybe, just maybe he could have made it, that’s something that will continue to be in the back of my mind.

Addiction is rough, addiction is a decease, its a life long struggle. Addiction sticks with you like a horrible monster waiting, lurking in the shadows, or in the corner, just waiting to grab you and rip your soul out of you and tear it to shreds at your weakest moment. It waits until you are at your most vulnerable, then it makes its attack. Its constantly tapping on your shoulder, or whispering in your ear “just one more time, come on, for old time sake!” Its like your shadow on a sunny day, following you, every step you take, it will be rite behind you, or rite in front of you.

Its times like this, Austins birthdays, and the day he passed I am at my most vulnerable to my addiction. These are the days I surround myself in my job, surround myself with my husband, children, family and friends, for an addict in recovery, this is what they need, continuous support. Days like these, they want to feel like they are not alone.

“Rest in Paradise my sweet Angel, Mommy will see you again one day, until then, I know you are with me, by my side, and When I look up to the clouds, I will smile, because I know you to, my son, is smiling back! Mommy loves you to the moon and stars and back, forever and ever!”

 

“Daddy, is Mommy Dying?” My first of many seizures

2015-05-01 22.30.05143057296335705fd23e88349bb2d500250719b64932bBy the time my addiction was at full force, I had a new boyfriend at the time, Devin, and 2 more children… Steehl and Reign… I had my 3 boys… This may be hard for family to read this, but just remember, this is the past, it made me who I am today, a better Wife, Mother, daughter, sister, and friend… These pictures are when I was deep in my decease. It pains me to look at myself this way… It was the Devil in my eyes…

At the heart of my addiction, I was taking whatever I could get my hands on, whether it be vicodin, oxycotin, percocet, and when I couldn’t find any of that, I had to resort to the worst, Heroin. Statistics showed in 2010 that 1 in 15 people went from opiate pain killers to Heroin within 10 years from when their addiction started. That was only a few times, it made me sick, but I did it anyway, I had to get high.

It would be soon that I would start doing ritalin or Adderall, or both along with the opiates and benzo’s.

In October 2010, I had my first major seziure. Devin, Steehl, Reign and I were on our way to the Doctor, to get all of my prescriptions refilled, we were running a little early, because I was very anxious to get my drugs, at this time, I hadn’t had any in more then 24 hours, so my body was in full withdrawal. But I knew they were coming and that gave me motivation, a little, but some. Since we were early, we had stopped at a sporting good store near the Office. We were looking around, I was holding Reign, who at the time was 9 months, and I told Devin I didn’t feel good. The next thing I remember was crouching down, with Reign in my arms, I stood back up, and that’s it, all I remember. Devin had called my mom at work, she rushed to the hospital, she arived before the ambulance. I awoke in the hospital, strapped down by my ankles and wrists, I lifted my hand, and someone was standing next to me, I’m not sure who but I remember saying, “I’m scared,” I had no recollection of what happened. The Doctors brought my Mom and Devin in the room where I was strapped down on the bed, wires everywhere, hooked to my chest and my head, the Doctor asked, “Do you know who these people are?” And I didn’t, not at first, I struggled to remember who my own mother was, the Women who was by my side through my whole life, through my losing Austin, through the births of my children, every tiring night at the hospital, the women who has always been by side, I didn’t know. Devin, the Man that loved me through thick and thin, the Man who had my back, stuck up for me, loved me unconditionally, I didn’t know who he was, I struggled so hard to remember. The fear on their face is forever stuck in my head.

When I finally remembered, I struggled to say their names, I struggled to get the words out, I felt, in my own head I can talk, but nothing seems to be coming out. The next thing I remember was being in another room, bandage on my head, IV with multiple bags on it, one with pain killer, dilauded. They gave me pain medicine when this is what caused the seziure, or so I think.

I stayed 5 days in the hospital, brother, sister, mom, dad and kids came to see me, in that hospital bed, I might as well be dead. I lay there, struggling to remember, “what happened?” Devin talked to me about it, he didn’t want to, because it brought pain every time he did, but I had to know, WHAT HAPPENED! He went on to explain every painful detail. He heard crying, he walked around the corner, holding Steehl, I was on the floor, clenching Reign in my arms, shaking, convulsing, foaming at the mouth, he yelled for help, for someone to call 911. Steehl asked him “is Mommy dying?” That day, God had put not 1 but 2 registered nurses in that sporting goods store for a reason, to save my life, and Reign’s. They ran over to me, pride Reign out of my arms, and started talking to me, talking me through it, keeping me stable until the ambulance got there, Devin had to walk Steehl and Reign away, they were both screaming. They put me on a stretcher, wheeled me into the ambulance, my arms still jerking, and that’s when they strapped me down.

In the hospital, at what you would think was my rock bottom, but my addiction would continue, I would push that button for pain medicine whenever I could. But my head was throbbing, I had passed out, hit my head on a  concrete floor and cracked my skull, and my brain started bleeding, that’s what they think caused the seziure, my brain was bleeding, subdural Hematoma. Briusing in my brain, all in the name of drugs.

I don’t remember to much of the hospital stay, but when they finally released me, they sent me home with a healthy, or not so healthy dose of pain medicine for my head, benzodyazapines (xanax) for my nerves, and seziure medication and ritalin to help me focus, my brain was all messed up.

While at home, I was confused. I couldn’t walk without running into walls, I had a hard time spitting out words, carrying on conversation, and performing simple daily tasks. I was messed up, and my short term memory is now messed up still to this day.

My addiction was on a steady incline, I now had a reason for the Doc to keep prescribing me these medications. So there I was, deep in my addiction, still, after death was creeping in on me, I still continue to slowly kill myself…

I would start neglecting my daily responsibilities, Devin is at the end of his rope, he is getting to the point where he can no longer continue to enable me, he went through this viscous cycle for far to long, at this point, it had been 7 years.

Devin knew I took pain meds when we got together, and I always hung that over his head, but the day would soon come that he couldn’t take it anymore. He had to watch out for himself and his children.

While in my addiction, the love for my children never ceased. Aden, Steehl and Reign meant everything to me, but I was becoming so weak, it was getting harder and harder to take care of them. If I wasn’t high, I was sleeping, if I was high, I was busy catching up on things I didn’t get done while I was sleeping, then it just got to the point where I was always so high, I was drowning myself in this despair. In this Hell, I was stuck in Gresha’s body, but a Devil was emerged. There was no where to go, I was deep in the hole, losing what I cared about the most. All in the name of addiction, in the name of drugs. Addiction is not cool, it’s not glamorous, it kills you, slowly. Takes over soul, takes over your mind, body and strips your outter and inner beauty. Reach out… Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

-more people die from overdoses of prescription opioids then all other drugs combined, including heroin and cocaine. Over 2 million people in the United States suffer from substance abuse disorders related to prescription pain killers, overdose deaths are rising and its an epidemic. In 2013 alone, 207 million prescription opioid pain killers were written. Here are some signs to watch out for:

– Stealing or borrowing money on the regular.

-Risky behavior

-hostility or violence

-Neglecting family or personal responsibilities

-declining occupational or school performance

-taking higher doses than prescribed

-breaking pills in half to kick in quicker

 

-taking more frequent then prescribed, example, the script says take one to two every 4 to 6 hours, they take 4 to 5 every 2 to 3 hours

 

There are many other signs, use your instincts, if you see a loved one, child, friend that has signs, don’t wait to say something, don’t think “its not my place, or its their problem, not yours,” speak up, you may save their lives. They will deny help, try to push you away, but in the end, its worth the hard work if it’s someone you care about or love. 

When someone you know or love has a seizure it’s  essential to stay calm, they may become often frightened or confused when regaining consciousness and may not recognize their surroundings. Protect them from injury if at all possible by holding them gently but firmly enough so they don’t hurt themselves while convulsing. Do not move or lift them unless they are in danger, and never put anything in their mouth or try to open it. When convulsions stop, put them in recovery position and stay with them until they are completely awake, then leave them to rest as convulsions are extremely exhausting on the body.

Call ambulance if it is a drug induced seziure, or if they have multiple fits without regaining consciousness.

If anyone has any questions, please, don’t hesitate to leave a comment and we can get a discussion going, questions about the signs and symptoms, questions about my addiction, anything, I will be happy to help, after all, this is what is blog is for, awarness, it happens everyday, to people you have idea its happening to, loved ones. There are 44 overdose deaths a day due to prescription pain medication. Im ending this blog with a poem that Devin had written, not to long after I started my journey in recovery, let me tell you a little about Devin. He is the definition of strength, he watched out for me, he may have been my enabler for a while in my addiction, but he didn’t know what he was doing, he wanted me happy, he wanted him and the kids happy, and he would do what he had to do. He still, in my recovery is MY strength, he loves me despite all of my flaws, he was strong through the heart of the tornado, held my hand through the storm, stuck it out, and now I am happy to say we are married, for almost 2 years, He still helps me through everyday, helps me throughout my struggles. We have our bad days, but the good days are downing out the bad, Devin, my family, and children are my strength, my motivation, my will power and energy, they are my life.

 

“Addiction is a darkness not eveyone can see, it winds up hurting everyone not just you and me. I have no idea how many times my heart was broken, when she was on them pills, the addicts golden token. There was a lot of lying and stealing to get her high, I just had to stand back and look at her and sigh. There were some good times, but a lot of them were bad, everytime I think about it, it just makes me sad. I stood by her side even when things weren’t going rite, but all she wanted to do, was get high or fight. I was put to blame when she was coming down, it would take her hours just to run to town. I would stay awake til she got home, just couldn’t figure out why, I still felt all alone. My heart was broke no matter how much I would try, knowing everytime she talked it was just another lie. Pills to an addict are all fun and joy, just remember everyone, they are not a toy. It’s been a long, rough journey but worth the fight, now I put my head down and lay by her tonite.”

Devin Eberly

 

Reign was ok during the whole seziure, my arm kept his head from hitting the floor. He was not hurt in any way. He is a happy, healthy, very stubborn 5 year old today, he is a Momma’s boy, and our bond is unbreakable!