Life without my baby, How do I move on?

2015-04-17 23.28.552015-04-15 17.14.572015-04-15 17.14.44 When we left the hospital that day, all I could think about was the empty feeling deep in the pit of my stomach, the ache I felt in my heart. What happens now? What do I do now? For the last 6 months, I was planning to be a Mother, I had it all figured out, we were gonna raise this baby boy to the best of our abilities, we would live seperately, he with his parents and me and Austin with my parents, and try to make it work, some baby things, clothes were already bought, we were as ready as we were ever gonna be, being as young as we were. But we lost our baby, he isnt in my womb anymore nor am I holding him in my arms as I should be. What happens from here?

I had quit smoking about 2 months into my pregnancy, but the first thing I did when we got out was stop at the store and by a pack of smokes. We continued on home, after stopping at my work and filling out maternity leave papers, I worked at meijer at the time as a bagger, when I walked in there, all my coworkers starred at me, I could feel the pity pouring out of their eyes. I wouldn’t ever go back to work there.

When we got back to my home, I slowly walked to the house, dreading walking in the door for I knew I would see something we had already bought Austin sitting out, but my parents must have put it away. I remember some family friends coming over and giving their condolences.

Later that nite, with the emptiness I felt, I had gotten a bag (weed) and I drowned myself in the high in hopes to numb the unbarable pain I had felt, physically and emotionally. Not only did I just give birth to my baby, and my hormones were raging, I had lost him 2 days later!

The next day, the cards started pouring in, sympathy cards. Each one had money in it. “What in the world would people be sending me money for?” Remember I was 18, burying my first born child, I had no clue until the expenses hit me. A funeral is not free.

Austins dad, my parents, and may be some other family, cant quite remember, and myself had went to the local funeral home to write Austins obituary, figure out time and place for his memorial, and the hardest part, pick out his casket. For a child that small, there isnt really much of a choice. The funeral director had walked into the room with a tiny, white, casket. He also proceeded to say that in hard times like this, he likes to help parents with the loss of a child, and he provided the casket at no cost. The date and time was set for my sons memorial.

Austin would be burried in a private cemetary in a small town where my Dad grew up, my Grandma and Grandpa had bought a bunch of plots years ago for family. So now, another hard, rough, heart breaking day comes, Austins memorial, and we, at the ages of 18 and 21 will be burying our son.My family and I got to see him one last time and tell him our final goodbyes.

Thursday May 24th at 2 pm, we had all gathered. Family, friends of my parents, friends from school, even some of my teachers would join us. Everyone got silent as the funeral director carried the casket with my little boy in it, i heard sobbing all around me, my heart was racing, i felt week, and I felt like i couldnt breath! My Mom had written some words and Austins dad as well. Then my turn would come. Im not sure if I can do this.

He came so fast, and left even faster, It is amazing how such a little person can touch so many hearts in just 2 short days. Austin not only touched my heart when he was born, but we grew a bond when he was in my tummy. His father and I had so many hopes and dreams for our little boy, they were crushed when Austin passed away. There is nothing worse than having to say goodbye to your baby, and let him go so soon, its like I am missing something, and empty feeling. Whenever I will start to feel depressed, or down I will always know he will be looking down upon us as our very own guardian Angel. Monday, May 21st the saddest day of my life, we let our baby out of our hands and in the hands of a more powerful Man, God… I know he will be taking care of. I want to say thank you to everyone who was and still is here for us, i did not know there are so many people who care and I am very greatfull for all of you, there wont be a day that goes by i wont think of my little boy, I will always love my son, Austin John.” 

It took me a long time to get threw that as I had to stop quite a few times to cry.

After the funeral, we had a luncheon at my Aunts house that lived close, I don’t remember any of that, as I fell asleep on the couch from exhaustion.

A few weeks later, his head stone arrived at the cemetary, and I would visit it often, plus on holidays, birthdays, and so on, even when I just want to talk to him.

I wanted to shut off my feelings, I was so tired of crying, so tired of thinking, my head filled with all of the “what ifs?” “What if we would have done something differently? What if the doctors were wrong? What if we just let him live?” Always, in the back of my mind, did we make the rite choice? I was tired, I didn’t finish the school year out that year, I started smoking pot and drinking a lot more, I just didn’t want to feel anymore…

It wasn’t to long after that, I had tooken my first pill, vicodin, I had found at a friends house, I was curious, I took it, then I took another, and my feelings went away, the feeling I felt was amazing!! For the first time in a few months, I forgot a little. It felt good, but Gresha would be no longer, a monster would emerge from me, and this was the beginning of the end.

 

– If there is any family who would like to add anything they remember of this time, of Austin’s memorial, and the days leading up to, please feel free to share in the comment section! Like I said before, I blocked a lot out, and its so hard for me to remember… Thank you!

 

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