By the time my addiction was at full force, I had a new boyfriend at the time, Devin, and 2 more children… Steehl and Reign… I had my 3 boys… This may be hard for family to read this, but just remember, this is the past, it made me who I am today, a better Wife, Mother, daughter, sister, and friend… These pictures are when I was deep in my decease. It pains me to look at myself this way… It was the Devil in my eyes…
At the heart of my addiction, I was taking whatever I could get my hands on, whether it be vicodin, oxycotin, percocet, and when I couldn’t find any of that, I had to resort to the worst, Heroin. Statistics showed in 2010 that 1 in 15 people went from opiate pain killers to Heroin within 10 years from when their addiction started. That was only a few times, it made me sick, but I did it anyway, I had to get high.
It would be soon that I would start doing ritalin or Adderall, or both along with the opiates and benzo’s.
In October 2010, I had my first major seziure. Devin, Steehl, Reign and I were on our way to the Doctor, to get all of my prescriptions refilled, we were running a little early, because I was very anxious to get my drugs, at this time, I hadn’t had any in more then 24 hours, so my body was in full withdrawal. But I knew they were coming and that gave me motivation, a little, but some. Since we were early, we had stopped at a sporting good store near the Office. We were looking around, I was holding Reign, who at the time was 9 months, and I told Devin I didn’t feel good. The next thing I remember was crouching down, with Reign in my arms, I stood back up, and that’s it, all I remember. Devin had called my mom at work, she rushed to the hospital, she arived before the ambulance. I awoke in the hospital, strapped down by my ankles and wrists, I lifted my hand, and someone was standing next to me, I’m not sure who but I remember saying, “I’m scared,” I had no recollection of what happened. The Doctors brought my Mom and Devin in the room where I was strapped down on the bed, wires everywhere, hooked to my chest and my head, the Doctor asked, “Do you know who these people are?” And I didn’t, not at first, I struggled to remember who my own mother was, the Women who was by my side through my whole life, through my losing Austin, through the births of my children, every tiring night at the hospital, the women who has always been by side, I didn’t know. Devin, the Man that loved me through thick and thin, the Man who had my back, stuck up for me, loved me unconditionally, I didn’t know who he was, I struggled so hard to remember. The fear on their face is forever stuck in my head.
When I finally remembered, I struggled to say their names, I struggled to get the words out, I felt, in my own head I can talk, but nothing seems to be coming out. The next thing I remember was being in another room, bandage on my head, IV with multiple bags on it, one with pain killer, dilauded. They gave me pain medicine when this is what caused the seziure, or so I think.
I stayed 5 days in the hospital, brother, sister, mom, dad and kids came to see me, in that hospital bed, I might as well be dead. I lay there, struggling to remember, “what happened?” Devin talked to me about it, he didn’t want to, because it brought pain every time he did, but I had to know, WHAT HAPPENED! He went on to explain every painful detail. He heard crying, he walked around the corner, holding Steehl, I was on the floor, clenching Reign in my arms, shaking, convulsing, foaming at the mouth, he yelled for help, for someone to call 911. Steehl asked him “is Mommy dying?” That day, God had put not 1 but 2 registered nurses in that sporting goods store for a reason, to save my life, and Reign’s. They ran over to me, pride Reign out of my arms, and started talking to me, talking me through it, keeping me stable until the ambulance got there, Devin had to walk Steehl and Reign away, they were both screaming. They put me on a stretcher, wheeled me into the ambulance, my arms still jerking, and that’s when they strapped me down.
In the hospital, at what you would think was my rock bottom, but my addiction would continue, I would push that button for pain medicine whenever I could. But my head was throbbing, I had passed out, hit my head on a concrete floor and cracked my skull, and my brain started bleeding, that’s what they think caused the seziure, my brain was bleeding, subdural Hematoma. Briusing in my brain, all in the name of drugs.
I don’t remember to much of the hospital stay, but when they finally released me, they sent me home with a healthy, or not so healthy dose of pain medicine for my head, benzodyazapines (xanax) for my nerves, and seziure medication and ritalin to help me focus, my brain was all messed up.
While at home, I was confused. I couldn’t walk without running into walls, I had a hard time spitting out words, carrying on conversation, and performing simple daily tasks. I was messed up, and my short term memory is now messed up still to this day.
My addiction was on a steady incline, I now had a reason for the Doc to keep prescribing me these medications. So there I was, deep in my addiction, still, after death was creeping in on me, I still continue to slowly kill myself…
I would start neglecting my daily responsibilities, Devin is at the end of his rope, he is getting to the point where he can no longer continue to enable me, he went through this viscous cycle for far to long, at this point, it had been 7 years.
Devin knew I took pain meds when we got together, and I always hung that over his head, but the day would soon come that he couldn’t take it anymore. He had to watch out for himself and his children.
While in my addiction, the love for my children never ceased. Aden, Steehl and Reign meant everything to me, but I was becoming so weak, it was getting harder and harder to take care of them. If I wasn’t high, I was sleeping, if I was high, I was busy catching up on things I didn’t get done while I was sleeping, then it just got to the point where I was always so high, I was drowning myself in this despair. In this Hell, I was stuck in Gresha’s body, but a Devil was emerged. There was no where to go, I was deep in the hole, losing what I cared about the most. All in the name of addiction, in the name of drugs. Addiction is not cool, it’s not glamorous, it kills you, slowly. Takes over soul, takes over your mind, body and strips your outter and inner beauty. Reach out… Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
-more people die from overdoses of prescription opioids then all other drugs combined, including heroin and cocaine. Over 2 million people in the United States suffer from substance abuse disorders related to prescription pain killers, overdose deaths are rising and its an epidemic. In 2013 alone, 207 million prescription opioid pain killers were written. Here are some signs to watch out for:
– Stealing or borrowing money on the regular.
-hostility or violence
-Neglecting family or personal responsibilities
-declining occupational or school performance
-taking higher doses than prescribed
-breaking pills in half to kick in quicker
-taking more frequent then prescribed, example, the script says take one to two every 4 to 6 hours, they take 4 to 5 every 2 to 3 hours
There are many other signs, use your instincts, if you see a loved one, child, friend that has signs, don’t wait to say something, don’t think “its not my place, or its their problem, not yours,” speak up, you may save their lives. They will deny help, try to push you away, but in the end, its worth the hard work if it’s someone you care about or love.
When someone you know or love has a seizure it’s essential to stay calm, they may become often frightened or confused when regaining consciousness and may not recognize their surroundings. Protect them from injury if at all possible by holding them gently but firmly enough so they don’t hurt themselves while convulsing. Do not move or lift them unless they are in danger, and never put anything in their mouth or try to open it. When convulsions stop, put them in recovery position and stay with them until they are completely awake, then leave them to rest as convulsions are extremely exhausting on the body.
Call ambulance if it is a drug induced seziure, or if they have multiple fits without regaining consciousness.
If anyone has any questions, please, don’t hesitate to leave a comment and we can get a discussion going, questions about the signs and symptoms, questions about my addiction, anything, I will be happy to help, after all, this is what is blog is for, awarness, it happens everyday, to people you have idea its happening to, loved ones. There are 44 overdose deaths a day due to prescription pain medication. Im ending this blog with a poem that Devin had written, not to long after I started my journey in recovery, let me tell you a little about Devin. He is the definition of strength, he watched out for me, he may have been my enabler for a while in my addiction, but he didn’t know what he was doing, he wanted me happy, he wanted him and the kids happy, and he would do what he had to do. He still, in my recovery is MY strength, he loves me despite all of my flaws, he was strong through the heart of the tornado, held my hand through the storm, stuck it out, and now I am happy to say we are married, for almost 2 years, He still helps me through everyday, helps me throughout my struggles. We have our bad days, but the good days are downing out the bad, Devin, my family, and children are my strength, my motivation, my will power and energy, they are my life.
“Addiction is a darkness not eveyone can see, it winds up hurting everyone not just you and me. I have no idea how many times my heart was broken, when she was on them pills, the addicts golden token. There was a lot of lying and stealing to get her high, I just had to stand back and look at her and sigh. There were some good times, but a lot of them were bad, everytime I think about it, it just makes me sad. I stood by her side even when things weren’t going rite, but all she wanted to do, was get high or fight. I was put to blame when she was coming down, it would take her hours just to run to town. I would stay awake til she got home, just couldn’t figure out why, I still felt all alone. My heart was broke no matter how much I would try, knowing everytime she talked it was just another lie. Pills to an addict are all fun and joy, just remember everyone, they are not a toy. It’s been a long, rough journey but worth the fight, now I put my head down and lay by her tonite.”
Reign was ok during the whole seziure, my arm kept his head from hitting the floor. He was not hurt in any way. He is a happy, healthy, very stubborn 5 year old today, he is a Momma’s boy, and our bond is unbreakable!