When I first started my journey to recovery, I often times found myself so scared to feel any type of emotion. I didnt know how to be happy, sad, mad, or even normal without being high. After all, the reason I started drowning myself in pills, and other drugs was to NOT FEEL ANYTHING.
The hardest emotion I struggled to deal with being clean was my sadness, my despair, my loss of a child. How does one deal with something that tramatic without the help of drugs? I had no idea. It was almost like I had to live the horrible event all over again, and learn how to cope, I was on my own with this one.
Not a lot of people like to talk about losing Austin, its like they just wanted to brush it off everytime I started to try and talk about it, it was so painful that no one wanted to drudge up them horrible memories. I didnt want to, but I had to.
The first time I went to Austins graveside, I was a mess. I didn’t even know what to say, so I just stood there, looked down at his grave, then up to the sky. A gust of wind blew through my hair, across my face, and it gave me goose bumps. It was then and there I thought to myself, maybe, just maybe I can get through this.
I walked away from Austins headstone with a big weight lifted off me. I faced my biggest sadness, my biggest loss, without drugs, without being high. I can do this, I have to do this.
I started my journey of sobriety in 2012, I had ups and downs, it was the biggest mountain I would have to climb, I would fall many times, have relapse after relapse, which I will also talk about. But this short post is dedicated to my Angel, as his 14th birthday is tomorrow.
As I sit here typing this I cant help but think of the “what ifs?” Maybe if we had let him stay with us the Doctors may have been wrong, that ultrasound he showed us, maybe it was a mix up, maybe, just maybe he could have made it, that’s something that will continue to be in the back of my mind.
Addiction is rough, addiction is a decease, its a life long struggle. Addiction sticks with you like a horrible monster waiting, lurking in the shadows, or in the corner, just waiting to grab you and rip your soul out of you and tear it to shreds at your weakest moment. It waits until you are at your most vulnerable, then it makes its attack. Its constantly tapping on your shoulder, or whispering in your ear “just one more time, come on, for old time sake!” Its like your shadow on a sunny day, following you, every step you take, it will be rite behind you, or rite in front of you.
Its times like this, Austins birthdays, and the day he passed I am at my most vulnerable to my addiction. These are the days I surround myself in my job, surround myself with my husband, children, family and friends, for an addict in recovery, this is what they need, continuous support. Days like these, they want to feel like they are not alone.
“Rest in Paradise my sweet Angel, Mommy will see you again one day, until then, I know you are with me, by my side, and When I look up to the clouds, I will smile, because I know you to, my son, is smiling back! Mommy loves you to the moon and stars and back, forever and ever!”