As the holiday weekend draws very near, I get nervous, an anxiety, if you will. Its a feeling in the pit of my stomach, a burning in my chest. Not only is the 4th of July a time to spend with family, a lot of people, but its, to me, one of the 2 holidays I struggle the most with… It’s time for the parties to start! Time for the drinking to begin, LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!! For me, its the complete opposite, its not that I dont want to party, I do! But how do I go about this “partying” thing without getting high? Here is where my struggle begins.
I have never had a drinking problem, I didnt really drink to often, except on New Years Eve and 4th of July, and occasionally throughout the year. So should I kick back, have a few beers, get drunk and party with everyone else? In my case, drinking is never a good idea while still some what fresh in recovery. Drinking, for me, leads to very bad judgment.
While using, 4th of July use to be a blast! My favorite thing to do? Make sure I had my supply of drug of choice, sit back and watch the fireworks! I remember the first 4th of July watching fireworks, being high. It felt at the time, the most amazing thing I have ever seen. It made them louder, brighter and bigger. Over the years, being high just became a habit, something I had to do in order to watch them, if I wasnt high, it was no fun, and I didnt even want to go see any.
The after parties, at first, being high at a party was amazing, I could talk, be social and BE FUN! When my addiction got stronger, I couldnt do any of that without being high, I had forgotten how to be around people being clean, I forgot how to have a conversation, I forgot how to be myself, after all, I forgot who Gresha was. It wasn’t just for fun anymore, being high is what I FELT like I had to be to he normal, being high was my new normal.
This weekend, as I pack to spend time with my husbands family, I think about camping being clean, I think about all the people around me drinking, and having a good time, I think of how much fun it would be just to do it one more time, or just have a few beers, that wont hurt, rite? Why do I have to sit back and be the sober one? Why do I get to watch people all around me be drunk and having a good time? Talking, laughing with eachother? My answere: Because I CAN!
The first 4th of July with out getting high was last year, I felt the same way I do this year, nervous and anxious, but the fireworks!! Oh Man the fireworks were AMAZING!! They were again finally brighter, louder and bigger then they have EVER been in such a long time, I found out that finally, I can be around people without being high, I CAN DO THIS!! I may be a little more boring but DAMN IT, I AM CLEAN, and the world around me isnt so distorted, muffled, or dark. I can hear my kids laughter, I can FEEL my husbands arms around me as we watch our children play, I can feel the love of family who supports me, my family, who is my solid foundation! Before, I was numb to all of that, because the only thing I worried about was getting high, and that was a huge burden, as many addicts may feel this way too. I dont have to make sure I have enough supply of pills to get me though a camping weekend, I AM FREE! And nothing is holding me down.
So for every addict in early recovery, YOU CAN DO THIS! You may struggle, you WILL struggle, but weekends like this, its not one day at a time, its ONE BREATH AT A TIME.
So sit back, have fun watching, and laughing, have fun being able to feel, hear, touch, and see things differently and BETTER, have fun with your children, husband, family or friends, because I guarentee, everything around you will be much more brighter.
Have a good safe 4th OF JULY!!! And keep fighting that Demon, and fighting the good fight!! Keep battling because if I can do it, YOU CAN TOO!!
Thank you God, for on this day, this weekend, I AM FREE! And this feeling, of being free, is better then any drug.