So, its 2016 now… Wow!! I have gone a whole other year getting through the holidays clean and sober! If you are a recovering addict, you know how the holidays are very hard to get through with out that damn monster called addiction following you around everywhere! But I once again managed to stay one step ahead of it!
This year has been so full of ups and downs, twists and turns, but one thing is for sure, I have become closer to family, and most of all, closer to God!
This year, God has actually shown me what the purpose was of putting me through all of my struggles, and that is to help people like myself, and I am honoring what God has in store for me and walking his path for me every single day!
Dont get me wrong, I still dont go to church like I want to, or should, I still dont live Godly, I still swear, I still make mistakes, I still sin, Im still human. God has proven how forgiving He is with me, He is showing me that the power of prayer is a mighty, MIGHTY thing, and He continues to bless my family beyond measure!
There was a time that I was SO ANGRY with God that I actually stopped believing, there was no way that God would put one human being through as much as He had put me through. He gave me this life that I wasnt even sure I could live through. Why would He give me a baby at 18 years old just to take him away, why would he make me bury my own son at such a young age where I didnt even think anyone could feel that much emotional and physical pain, WHY WOULD HE DO THIS TO ME!! “God must not excist, there is no way there is even a God!” That was my thinking. Why would he give me this addiction? Why would he put my family through so much pain and hardship? I just didnt get it…
I celebrated 2 years in recovery on October 17th 2015, my biggest triumph, the furthest I have gone without relapse, and I intend to stay this way!
I started believing again when I surrendered to my addiction, when I knew I, myself was powerless to the Devil, this Demon, a monster. I also surrendered to God. I remember thinking, “if God is real, then now is the time I need Him!” So I Prayed, I yelled, I cried, I gave up. I gave up, and I gave it to God, because I knew I was to weak, and He is the one who gave me strength! The strength I needed to overcome and kick this addiction, and now here I am 2 years later, alive!! Not just physically here on earth, but I have never felt more alive, my soul, my heart, mind and body is so alive! And its this amazing feeling that I cant even describe knowing I got a second and actually a 3rd chance. And I got a second chance at trusting in my God for it is He who have me life again. He brought me back to my children, parents and family. He put me through these struggles for a higher purpose.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight.”
That has been my go to verse when I struggle. This year I had witnessed God work a miracle on my Dad. He was having issues with his heart, and he, along with all his family were scared, I was scared I was losing my dad and the thought of that made me weak knowing that one day, I will have to live without my parents, even writing this now, I am tearing up. Anyway! He Prayed and pleaded with God to take this away, and He did, and the overwhelming feeling my Dad felt at that moment changed his life today as we know it. Now both, my mom and Dad are healthier then they have been in a long time, losing weight like crazy and my Dad and mom found their way back to church, and back to God.
My point? Anything can happen through God. And an addict CAN RECOVER! I am not trying to preach and I am not trying to push my beliefs, like I said earlier, I dont go to church like I know I probably should, I still am a sinner and I make so many mistakes in life, I have done horrible things while in active addiction, I have lied, stolen, cheated the ones I confess to love out of many years of happiness, I have put my parents through unspeakable amount of distress and my husband and children, being on the front lines of my addiction? Well, I brought them right straight down to Hell with me! I dragged my family name through the mud over and over, lost trust, lost faith, lost my damn dignity, lost my soul and inner beauty. My addiction has lead me to the point that to the ones I love most, it felt like an F-5 tornado has ripped through our family, tore us apart leaving peices everywhere for us to find and mend back together! But with the power of Prayer and God, we are finally on the mend, and this past year has proven that with God, anything can happen! A heart can be repaired and an addict can recover and become a BETTER person than they were before!
2015 was full of amazing opportunities! I started writing blogs for a recovery group, got an article published in a recovery news paper, and I just received the other night another amazing opportunity to help others in active addiction, in early recovery, and I have the opportunity to try and help my county and community become a better place!
I am overwhelmed by the opportunities that have been given to me, and I will work my hardest to honor the work God has given me. I have been blessed beyond what I ever thought was possible, I have my 4 children, amazing husband, my parents, family and friends.
Here is to 2016 being even greater!!!
And may God Bless each and everyone of you, with God and faith, anything is possible!!! 🙂