“Gresha, you need to go to dryout! We just want the old Gresha back!” I remember my mom saying that to me on several different occasions. Who the Hell was the old Gresha? I don’t even remember who she is or what she was like! Gresha was gone and all that was left of her was just a weak, ugly, shell of a body, empty sunken in eyes with bags and dark circles around them. The old Gresha was no longer here, I was, at this point just merely existing, I was a worthless waste of space. No longer a good mother, good girlfriend to Devin, good daughter or sister.
After spending a week in the hospital due to my first sezuire and suffering from a tramatic brain injury I was so disoriented all the time. My speech was slurred, my balance was off, I remember on several different occasions running into walls while walking because my equilibrium was so off. I had a hard time remembering what day it was a lot, and always had this overwhelming fear this would happen again, so you would think that I would wnt to get better, but I continued to slowly kill myself from the inside out.
At this point, after many years of Doctor shopping, I finally found the what would be every opiate addicts dream Doctor, a Doc that was very free with his prescription pad. All I had to do was make up a lie about what I needed a certain medication for and he was ready and willing to write out and hand it over.
From this Doctor alone, I was receiving 120 Vicodin, the strongest one you can get, 90 highest streagnth xannax, and 60 ridalin. When the time came for my monthly visit I would always arrive early, they would call me in and my heart would pump so hard it was coming out of my chest! I would start to sweat, and get this overwhelming feeling of unbelievable joy!
I would get back to the room and go over the huge lie I would tell this Doc to make sure would keep giving the pills that kept me feeling normal. He would knock, come in, sit down and ask how I’m doing and then he started, writing out the scripts, easy as pie. When he was writing the scripts I would anxiously wait the sweet sound of the tearing that magical piece of paper off the pad, he would then hand me one script at a time, when he was done, he left the room and I was off and running to the pharmacy. I couldn’t even wait until I got to my home pharmacy so I would use the one that was directly across the street from the Doc.
Within under 2 weeks, the scripts would be gone, I would take all of them, under 2 weeks it took me to consume that much medication. After it was gone I was hitting the streets, lying and hussling my way to make it through, to keep from getting dope sick, I hung onto the calender and had the day circled when I had my next appointment.
Devin and my relationship was hanging on by a thread, I wasn’t the mother I should have been, everyone was getting fed up with my addiction and I was so sick of living this way. I knew I had a problem but I was to scared to fix it.
I was called a 72 hour detox facuility and within 2 weeks, I went in and attempted to get through the whole 72 hours, but I would fail, I couldn’t hack it. The withdrawals I was starting to get only one day into it were proving to be just to much for me to handle, physically and mentaly. I had checked myself out and Devin had unwillingly come to get me.
Not to long after my first failed attempt at detox, Devin and my relationship started going down the drain. He couldn’t trust me, he was losing his faith in me as a mother and a good girlfriend. He would start drowning himself in his work as a well driller at the time, and when he wasn’t working, he was hanging out with friends, taking the kids to his mothers house and hanging out there all day, I was ultimately alone, all the time. I got to the point I couldn’t take it anymore, Devin couldn’t take it anymore, Devin was at the end of the rope, he has, at this point enabled me to much, he was just as sick as I was, he would do anything to keep me happy, but now, it was time for him to take care of himself and our children. We had finally broken up. We were both devastated but it had to be done. We had been together for 9 years, 9 years of addiction and Hell for Devin.
Neither Devin nor I were ever really good at being alone, or without eachother. It wasn’t long before we both filled that emptiness with someone else.
He moved back in with his parents and started seeing another women that I will call Jane, and I moved in with a friend that escalated into a toxic relationship, Ill call him John.
I knew John from my past, before I started into the hard drugs, when I was about 17 or 18 and drinking and partying a lot. He had moved away for years and then came back to the town I lived in.
When Devin and I broke up, I instantly went to John for comfort, trying to fill that void of Devin not being there. I stayed with him for a couple days and after that, I moved in. From then on out, our relationship was nothing but drugs, doing drugs, getting drugs, getting high. We fed off eachothers addictions. At first, it was great, I felt happy and free because I had someone to do drugs with, and someone who had a common interest. But it wasn’t long before our relationship would start getting bad, toxic. To many drugs, I started having sezuires again. He started mixing uppers with downers right along with me, I started losing all ambition to take care of my children, I was to weak, the drugs took over my whole body, mind and soul, even worse then before. John started to have blackouts, and it started to get physical. When he mixed the uppers with the downers, it would take him to this aweful place, it would cause strange paranoia and crazy halucinations.
John and I were together for about 4 months. During that time, Devin and I split custody of our children, we only had the 2 boys at the time, and I had Aden as well. About 3 months into my and Johns relationship, Devin wasn’t even sure if he would be able to drop the kids off, Devin along with my parents soon could not trust me with my own kids. There would be times that Devin or my parents would drop off the kids and John and I would be passed out and not even coharents or aware enough to take care of them, so they would just take them back. On several occasions, my mom would show up to Johns house and I couldn’t even stand up without falling over I was so high.
At this point in my addiction, I couldn’t even take care of myself, I would go days without a shower, days without even going outside, Aden started staying mostly with my parents if he wasn’t with his dad, and Devin had our boys most of the time. I missed almost every baseball game of Adens, and I missed Steehls 3rd birthday party, either because I was to high to go, to weak to get out of bed, or I would just forget. On the occasion of the birthday party, my mom came to get me at Johns house where I was staying, I got up to get ready to go, walked out into the kitchen and fell right back down to the floor. My mom walked out and didn’t take me to my sons birthday party and I have never blamed her for that!
Another important event that I have missed, that I had a hard time forgiving myself for is my sisters bachlerrette party. I was the maid of honor and I was not there nor did I participate in any of her wedding functions such as bridal showers and things like that. The day I was suppose to go to the party, John and I were at my parents and I sat in the middle of the driveway, unable to even hold my head up, unable to get my head out of my own lap! I couldn’t talk without slurring my words and my own child was so discusted with me, he would even come near me or give me a hug after begging him to, he wouldn’t even embrace his mother. To him, I was a monster and he had so much resentment towards me. My mom refused to take me to the bachlerette party, I couldn’t even function like a normal human being, I didn’t belong there, nor did I deserve to be there.
I have done some unspeakable things, some things that I can not take back that I wish so badly that I can. Over 2 years in recovery, I am starting to forgive myself for the way I was and the things that I have done.
In my next post I want to write more about mine and Johns and Devin and Janes relationship, write more about Devin and my feelings towards eachother. Devin and I never once lost feelings for eachother, they were just to deep down to dig up from years of resentments towards me for what I have done to myself, him, our children and relationship.
God Bless to all, and remember, in your deepest darkest moments of despair, keep going, crawl if you have to towards that light, eventually it will shine through!!!