This use to be an average day, everyday, chasing the high...
I wake up, either glad to be alive, or mad because God is continuing to put me through this misery I call a life.
My head is pounding, my body is aching, withdrawals are kicking in from hours of not taking any pills. Time to rush to my purse, no time to wake up or think about anything, got to see if I have a pill left over from yesterday just to get me going a little bit! Just to take the edge off, I’m what we addicts call “dope sick!” I can’t function, I can’t think even if I wanted to, I feel depressed, anxious, and mad.
Time to figure out another lie, another lie to get money for more pills, I need to lie to get my fix! SHIT! I can’t remember what lie I said yesterday! So hard to keep these lies straight, I can’t tell the same lie 2 days in a row. So I lie again, to my parents, my husband, even to my sister. At this point, I have lied so much that they don’t believe me anymore, they believe nothing I say, the trust is GONE! Now what? I got to scrounge around cans, bottles, change, whatever I can to get just a little bit to get my fix for today.
Ok, I got some money to get me through today, just one day, I don’t care about tomorrow yet. I have to call my guy, so many things go through my head at this point, “what if he is out, what if I can’t get a hold of him, what if he isn’t home?” Thankfully I have more the one person to get them from. I have several, friends, friends of friends, sometimes, people know body would ever expect. But he answer’s, I have to hurry to my car, hopefully I have enough gas to make it there, but first, I have to LIE again about where I am going, I don’t want to take my children, although sometimes I do, when I get it from “friends” I just don’t have the energy I need to get them ready, and in the car, I’m sick, I’m weak, I am having withdrawals, so I lie, “I just need to run to town to get a pop, can you watch the kids for 10 minutes?” 10 usually turns into a 30 minutes, maybe an hour… Depends on how chatty this jerk wants to be.
I run to my car, hope this isn’t the time I get caught, the paranoia sets in, and I’m getting anxious, but I don’t care because I need it. My heart is racing, I feel like I’m gonna puke.
When I get there, I literally run in the house In hopes no one see’s me, make the transaction, run to my car again, I open the little plastic wrapper I put the pills in that I took off my cigarette pack, count to make sure I wasn’t ripped off, like I have been before, but they are all there, so I take a couple before I get home, so I can feel better, play with my kids, talk, be me! Because this is me now, this is who I am, the lier, the thief, the addict.
I get home, walk slowly to the door, thinking of more lies in case I was gone to long, “my car wouldn’t start at the store, I seen so and so and talked to them forever, or I forgot something and had to turn around!” Whatever lie that fit whatever question would be asked, I lied so much, I started believing my own lies. But I make it through the door, without a question, because deep down, they know what I had just done, they know I am high, I’m in a better mood, not so snappy, I feel good, strong, beautiful, I feel like I am unstoppable! So I go through the rest of my day feeling like life is good, when in reality, I’m slowly killing myself. I put my kids to bed, then I lay down in bed, trying to think of lies for Tomorrow, then I wonder if this is it, I hope I wake up in the morning, hope my liver doesn’t fail in the middle of the nite, but then again, I think, maybe if I didn’t wake up, I wouldn’t be putting so many people I love through Hell, would everyone be better off? Maybe I don’t want to wake up anymore. How long can a human go through this?
I wake in the morning to my kids screaming, another day, another chase, time to do it all over again.
– This is just an average day, things changed from day to day, how and where I got my fix, sometimes I would travel far, sometimes just to town. Or sometimes I would have a script from the Doctor I found that was free with his prescription pad. But it was always lies, lies to get high. What I put my family through was unspeakable, unimaginable. This is just a little bit, a little piece of a day in my Hell, My addiction. The path that leads to know where, a suicide mission. There are signs, signs of addiction, if you ever think this won’t ever happen to anyone you know, you are lying to yourself, it could be a neighbor, the cashier at the store you go to everyday, your brother, sister, a friend. It happened to me, it happened to my family, my kids, my husband. It was never just about myself, everyone around me was effected by my addiction. There is help, and no one has to be alone in this struggle.