Let’s take a walk, in my shoes…

quote-on-addiction-61-healthyplace

 

This use to be an average day, everyday, chasing the high...

I wake up, either glad to be alive, or mad because God is continuing to put me through this misery I call a life.

My head is pounding, my body is aching, withdrawals are kicking in from hours of not taking any pills. Time to rush to my purse, no time to wake up or think about anything, got to see if I have a pill left over from yesterday just to get me going a little bit! Just to take the edge off, I’m what we addicts call “dope sick!” I can’t function, I can’t think even if I wanted to, I feel depressed, anxious, and mad.

Time to figure out another lie, another lie to get money for more pills, I need to lie to get my fix! SHIT! I can’t remember what lie I said yesterday! So hard to keep these lies straight, I can’t tell the same lie 2 days in a row. So I lie again, to my parents, my husband, even to my sister. At this point, I have lied so much that they don’t believe me anymore, they believe nothing I say, the trust is GONE! Now what? I got to scrounge around cans, bottles, change, whatever I can to get just a little bit to get my fix for today.

Ok, I got some money to get me through today, just one day, I don’t care about tomorrow yet. I have to call my guy, so many things go through my head at this point, “what if he is out, what if I can’t get a hold of him, what if he isn’t home?” Thankfully I have more the one person to get them from. I have several, friends, friends of friends, sometimes, people know body would ever expect. But he answer’s, I have to hurry to my car, hopefully I have enough gas to make it there, but first, I have to LIE again about where I am going, I don’t want to take my children, although sometimes I do, when I get it from “friends” I just don’t have the energy I need to get them ready, and in the car, I’m sick, I’m weak, I am having withdrawals, so I lie, “I just need to run to town to get a pop, can you watch the kids for 10 minutes?” 10 usually turns into a 30 minutes, maybe an hour… Depends on how chatty this jerk wants to be.

I run to my car, hope this isn’t the time I get caught, the paranoia sets in, and I’m getting anxious, but I don’t care because I need it. My heart is racing, I feel like I’m gonna puke.

When I get there, I literally run in the house In hopes no one see’s me, make the transaction, run to my car again, I open the little plastic wrapper I put the pills in that I took off my cigarette pack, count to make sure I wasn’t ripped off, like I have been before, but they are all there, so I take a couple before I get home, so I can feel better, play with my kids, talk, be me! Because this is me now, this is who I am, the lier, the thief, the addict.

 

I get home, walk slowly to the door, thinking of more lies in case I was gone to long, “my car wouldn’t start at the store, I seen so and so and talked to them forever, or I forgot something and had to turn around!” Whatever lie that fit whatever question would be asked, I lied so much, I started believing my own lies. But I make it through the door, without a question, because deep down, they know what I had just done, they know I am high, I’m in a better mood, not so snappy, I feel good, strong, beautiful, I feel like I am unstoppable! So I go through the rest of my day feeling like life is good, when in reality, I’m slowly killing myself. I put my kids to bed, then I lay down in bed, trying to think of lies for Tomorrow, then I wonder if this is it, I hope I wake up in the morning, hope my liver doesn’t fail in the middle of the nite, but then again, I think, maybe if I didn’t wake up, I wouldn’t be putting so many people I love through Hell, would everyone be better off? Maybe I don’t want to wake up anymore. How long can a human go through this? 

I wake in the morning to my kids screaming, another day, another chase, time to do it all over again.

 

– This is just an average day, things changed from day to day, how and where I got my fix, sometimes I would travel far, sometimes just to town. Or sometimes I would have a script from the Doctor I found that was free with his prescription pad. But it was always lies, lies to get high. What I put my family through was unspeakable, unimaginable. This is just a little bit, a little piece of a day in my Hell, My addiction. The path that leads to know where, a suicide mission. There are signs, signs of addiction, if you ever think this won’t ever happen to anyone you know, you are lying to yourself, it could be a neighbor, the cashier at the store you go to everyday, your brother, sister, a friend. It happened to me, it happened to my family, my kids, my husband. It was never just about myself, everyone around me was effected by my addiction. There is help, and no one has to be alone in this struggle.

Advertisements

This was only the beginning

After taking them first 2 pills, I felt amazing! So I took the rest of my “friends” vicodin. I was so desperate to not feel anymore that I didn’t care. The prescription was old, this friend hadn’t taken them in over 2 months from the date of the bottle, so I thought “they won’t even notice!” And they never did, at least I don’t think so.

For the next year and a half, it was only off and on. I was still smoking a ton a weed, and drinking when I could. I got a job at the local subway, moved into my own place, and was on my own, I went back to school the next fall, and finally graduated, a year late. But I got my diploma. Huge accomplishment for me, considering all I had been through

My boyfriend at the time, Austin’s Dad didn’t move in with me, and I was fine with that. After Austin’s passing, I felt like we were drifting apart anyway, he dealt with it way differently than I did. I felt like he just wanted to forget Austin, that anything even happened, I’m sure that wasn’t the case, but that’s how He made it feel.

A year and a half later, I found out I was pregnant with my second child. I was 20, and scared to death! I thought “here we go, its gonna happen again!” And the next 9 months would be long and horrifying.

The first trimester went pretty good, then the second came, and the fourth month every little cramp, every little tiny pain in my stomach, my mom would be taking me to the ER… My Mom, she was there through every tiring visit to the hospital. They would run test, monitor the baby, and everything would be fine. Around the 6th month, things started going down hill. I was considered high risk so i went to the doctor every 2 weeks, and had an ultra sound as well, in my 24th week, my cervix was starting to thin out and dialate to soon, so I was put on bed rest in the hospital.

I was in there for about a week and a half, and was told to go home and continue bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. So the there I stayed, on the couch, only getting up to shower, and go to doc appointments.

I was 36 weeks and I went into the doctor and my blood pressure sky rocketed, and there was protein in my urine sample proving that I had Pre eclampsia, this would explain why I got so FAT!!! I gained 65 pounds, I was depressed and ready to get this baby out of me, He would be a month early, but at this point, he will be just fine, so to the hospital to deliver i go, with guess who by my side, MY MOM!!! That women is something else, AMAZING! I called the father and he soon arrived, and the next morning i was induced, at 3pm on february 25th 2003 I gave birth to a little boy we Named Aden Paul. He weighed a healthy 6 pounds 1 ounce and 19.5 inches long. It was a long delivery, but I was so happy it was over, he was alive and healthy! My little boy, im holding in my arms, finally. Little did he know, his mother wouldn’t be the greatest in the world, he seen things with me, no child should see their mommy go through, he watched his mom be “sick” for most of his life. And for that, I will always regret.

Before I had Aden, I had moved back into my parents. Life seemed to be ok, I was tired a lot, but I had a newborn baby, but had help from my parents and his dad when he was there. Not to long after Aden was born, I was getting knee and back pain, not bad, but enough to go to the Doctor.

So I made an appointment, went to the doc to address the pain I’ve been having, and he says back pain is probably due to the epidural I had while giving birth and knee pain could be due to water weight? I don’t quite remember, I asked “what can I do for the pain?” And that was the question that lead to Hell, the question that decided my fate, and the question that started the lying. This stupid Doctor wrote me a prescription of regular strength vicodin, 3 times a day for a month. Starting off, 3… time… a… day… for a MONTH, 90 pills. The beast that has been lying dormant for the a while has been awoken, the beast, the monster I call…. ADDICTION!!!

At first, I would take them as prescribed, 3 times a day, not as needed, but 3 times a day weather I was in pain or not. Then I remembered that very first high I got after taking my friends, from here on out, 3 would turn into 4, then 5, then 6 and so on. I would take 2 at a time, then 3, then it got to the point where I was finishing my prescriptions to soon. This is where the lying all the time comes in, I had to chase that first high, that amazing, numb feeling I got when I first took them, my life as I knew it would become a race, a chase to catch that very first high. I would start doing and saying what I could to get more. I’m gone, Gresha who? I am now, the Addict.

Life without my baby, How do I move on?

2015-04-17 23.28.552015-04-15 17.14.572015-04-15 17.14.44 When we left the hospital that day, all I could think about was the empty feeling deep in the pit of my stomach, the ache I felt in my heart. What happens now? What do I do now? For the last 6 months, I was planning to be a Mother, I had it all figured out, we were gonna raise this baby boy to the best of our abilities, we would live seperately, he with his parents and me and Austin with my parents, and try to make it work, some baby things, clothes were already bought, we were as ready as we were ever gonna be, being as young as we were. But we lost our baby, he isnt in my womb anymore nor am I holding him in my arms as I should be. What happens from here?

I had quit smoking about 2 months into my pregnancy, but the first thing I did when we got out was stop at the store and by a pack of smokes. We continued on home, after stopping at my work and filling out maternity leave papers, I worked at meijer at the time as a bagger, when I walked in there, all my coworkers starred at me, I could feel the pity pouring out of their eyes. I wouldn’t ever go back to work there.

When we got back to my home, I slowly walked to the house, dreading walking in the door for I knew I would see something we had already bought Austin sitting out, but my parents must have put it away. I remember some family friends coming over and giving their condolences.

Later that nite, with the emptiness I felt, I had gotten a bag (weed) and I drowned myself in the high in hopes to numb the unbarable pain I had felt, physically and emotionally. Not only did I just give birth to my baby, and my hormones were raging, I had lost him 2 days later!

The next day, the cards started pouring in, sympathy cards. Each one had money in it. “What in the world would people be sending me money for?” Remember I was 18, burying my first born child, I had no clue until the expenses hit me. A funeral is not free.

Austins dad, my parents, and may be some other family, cant quite remember, and myself had went to the local funeral home to write Austins obituary, figure out time and place for his memorial, and the hardest part, pick out his casket. For a child that small, there isnt really much of a choice. The funeral director had walked into the room with a tiny, white, casket. He also proceeded to say that in hard times like this, he likes to help parents with the loss of a child, and he provided the casket at no cost. The date and time was set for my sons memorial.

Austin would be burried in a private cemetary in a small town where my Dad grew up, my Grandma and Grandpa had bought a bunch of plots years ago for family. So now, another hard, rough, heart breaking day comes, Austins memorial, and we, at the ages of 18 and 21 will be burying our son.My family and I got to see him one last time and tell him our final goodbyes.

Thursday May 24th at 2 pm, we had all gathered. Family, friends of my parents, friends from school, even some of my teachers would join us. Everyone got silent as the funeral director carried the casket with my little boy in it, i heard sobbing all around me, my heart was racing, i felt week, and I felt like i couldnt breath! My Mom had written some words and Austins dad as well. Then my turn would come. Im not sure if I can do this.

He came so fast, and left even faster, It is amazing how such a little person can touch so many hearts in just 2 short days. Austin not only touched my heart when he was born, but we grew a bond when he was in my tummy. His father and I had so many hopes and dreams for our little boy, they were crushed when Austin passed away. There is nothing worse than having to say goodbye to your baby, and let him go so soon, its like I am missing something, and empty feeling. Whenever I will start to feel depressed, or down I will always know he will be looking down upon us as our very own guardian Angel. Monday, May 21st the saddest day of my life, we let our baby out of our hands and in the hands of a more powerful Man, God… I know he will be taking care of. I want to say thank you to everyone who was and still is here for us, i did not know there are so many people who care and I am very greatfull for all of you, there wont be a day that goes by i wont think of my little boy, I will always love my son, Austin John.” 

It took me a long time to get threw that as I had to stop quite a few times to cry.

After the funeral, we had a luncheon at my Aunts house that lived close, I don’t remember any of that, as I fell asleep on the couch from exhaustion.

A few weeks later, his head stone arrived at the cemetary, and I would visit it often, plus on holidays, birthdays, and so on, even when I just want to talk to him.

I wanted to shut off my feelings, I was so tired of crying, so tired of thinking, my head filled with all of the “what ifs?” “What if we would have done something differently? What if the doctors were wrong? What if we just let him live?” Always, in the back of my mind, did we make the rite choice? I was tired, I didn’t finish the school year out that year, I started smoking pot and drinking a lot more, I just didn’t want to feel anymore…

It wasn’t to long after that, I had tooken my first pill, vicodin, I had found at a friends house, I was curious, I took it, then I took another, and my feelings went away, the feeling I felt was amazing!! For the first time in a few months, I forgot a little. It felt good, but Gresha would be no longer, a monster would emerge from me, and this was the beginning of the end.

 

– If there is any family who would like to add anything they remember of this time, of Austin’s memorial, and the days leading up to, please feel free to share in the comment section! Like I said before, I blocked a lot out, and its so hard for me to remember… Thank you!

 

I just want to be Numb

2015-04-15 17.14.272015-04-15 17.14.09

 

In these photo’s, I was holding my little boy, for the first time. My parents were by my side, this is my Dad in the picture with us.

 

On the morning of May 21, 2001 my heart was shattered. Like I said in the previous post, the Docs wanted us to make a tough decision, a decision that would forever change my life, I was only 18 making a very adult decision.

The Doctor took Austins Dad and myself into a conference type room with a round table, along with us came my parents of course, Austins Dad’s parents, my sister, and Grandmother, I may be forgetting some people that came in with us, and for that I apologize. I was a wreck at this point because I knew what the Doctors were gonna say.

He ran some test on My Austin, including an ultrasound on Austins head, and brain. The results came in, and they were not good, he continued to explain with an xray picture, showing us a brain hemorage, his tiny little brain was bleeding and there was nothing they could do about it. He continued to talk about Austin’s quality of life if he made it threw, which was at this time, less than what it was before, after both lungs continuing to collapse and the brain hemorage. He explained “if Austin lives past 7 days at this point, he will grow up in a wheel chair, feeding tube, blind, deaf, wouldn’t be able to comunicate in any way, Austin would be a vegetable.” He continued to say that “rite now, you are just prolonging the inevitable, his death…” Everyone in the room is asking questions, “is there anything else you can do? What can we do?” There was so much talking going on around me, and I heard nothing, it was all so muffled, everyone sounded so far away, with my head down on the table, crying, hurting, exhausted. It felt like my heart was torn, it felt like it was being ripped out of me with a jagged, very dull knife. The Doctor asked the question, and we had to make the hardest decision we would ever have to make. Do we let our son live, and continue to suffer until he dies, or do we set our selfishness aside, and let him go?

I dont quite remember what happened after that, all I knew is that Austins father and I had talked it over, I didnt do much talking, I cried, asking God why he was doing this to me! Why me? Why now? I’m only 18, this can’t be happening to me, its all just a horrible nightmare and I’m gonna wake up, anytime, with my precious baby, still in my tummy, growing healthy. But it was all reality, this was really happening to me, to us, to my family. My parents and his parents first Grandchild, first Great Grandchild, first nephew, it was happening to myself and my family.

I was 18, his father was 21. And we had to make the decision. We let go of ourselves, our selfishness and we thought about our baby boy, how could we put him threw this Hell? How could we let him be a vegetable? How could we give him the best life that he so deserved knowing what we knew? Ultimately, we would be prolonging his death, we need to put a stop to his suffering, even though he couldnt feel anything, there was no brain activity, we could not let him live like this. We have to let him go. We CHOSE to let him go.

We had went back up to my room, and the Doctors and nurses were preparing a room for our family, a room where we could spend our last moments with our son. When we got to the room, it was small, it felt so enclosed, my head was down when I walked in and when I looked up, there was my tiny baby boy, in his incubator. I wanted to go and snatch him up and run, and just be alone with him, but I knew I had to be strong, and I couldn’t be selfish, after all, it wasn’t just MY baby, he was His dads too, Austin was also a Grandson, great grandson, nephew. I remember the first time the Doctor put my baby in my arms, tubes everywhere, getting tangled up, I was so scared, but I just held him, kissed his little nose, told him how much I love him and how strong he was. I thanked him for showing me what it was like to love someone so much more than myself. Austin’s Dad held him and talked to him for a little bit and then the hard part came… Letting family come in, one by one. First my parents, they have been there threw it all, hardly left my side, they had to have some time with their first born Grandchild, tell him good bye. I remember the feeling I felt as I sit here and type this. The hurt I felt losing my baby, combined with the hurt I felt seeing my parents hurting, they were losing their 2 day old Grandchild, their daughter was in so much pain, and there was nothing they could do. On this day, they may not have known quite yet, but they had also lost their daughter as well. Not physically, but I would never be the same.

After my parents, came Austin’s Dad’s parents, they had their time with him, and after that, one by one, our grandparents, sisters, Aunts and uncles, and cousins got to hold Austin.

When they were done, there we sat again, alone with our baby. We said our final goodbyes, we held him, I sang “you are my sunshine” and it was time. I gave him another kiss on his tiny little forehead, then I gave the Doctor the look, the look that told him, We were ready. He shut the machines off…. Austin slowly slipped away, and so did I…

When we walked out of the room, there stood all my, and Austin’s Dad’s family, I looked up at them, some were leaning with their head against the wall, some were sitting on the ground, they looked at me in silence, but they were there, waiting, they all stood outside that door for a long time, waiting for us to come out, to support us, to love us. I couldn’t do anything but put my head back down, cry and walk back to my hospital room, I felt so week, so empty. I walk into my room and there are all the “congrats” balloons, flowers and cards. I didn’t want them anymore! I didn’t want anything but my child. I knelt down by my bed, put my head on my arms and just cried.

An hour later, I tried eating for the first time since giving birth, and as I was trying, the nurse comes in and sends us all into the hallway, she says “a tornado just touched down in Grand Rapids, we all have to get our patients into the hallway!” At that moment, I, for a second felt slight relief, Austin made it to Heaven and that was his sign, telling me He was ok. I’ve always loved severe storms, and tornado’s are fascinating, and he used that as a way to let me know he made it.

My parents and Austins dads parents had went into another room with a social worker where we made a few arrangments for my baby’s memorial, again, I was 18, I didn’t know how to do this! With my parents help, we had gotten threw it…

We packed up all my belongings, and the nurse brought a wheelchair, I sat down in it, and she wheeled me, with Austins dad walking by me, down to the lobby where we would load our stuff up, and go home. As I was sitting in the lobby, waiting for the car, I felt empty and alone, I was missing something, I was missing my baby. Leaving the hospital without my baby I gave birth to a couple days ago.

As we pulled out onto the road, I was leaving part of me at that hospital. My heart hurt, my soul was slipping away, and from this day, May 21st 2001, I would never be the same again. I just want to feel numb, I don’t wanna feel anything anymore.

– This post was extremely hard for me, one thing that I truly wish I would have done, that a lot of people, including my Mom, had urged me to do was go to a support group, talk to people who have gone threw the loss of a child. A loss is a loss weather it was a miscarriage, your baby lived for 2 days, 2 months, or years! Its tough and I wish this upon no one! Please, if you have suffered a loss of a child, you are not alone, you need support. I thought I could deal with this on my own, but I was wrong, I turned to something much worse. So here are some groups I have found doing some research:

Www.firstcandle.org/grieving-family grief resources

Facebook page: West MI families of pregnancy and infant loss.

I hope this helps…

Next post I will be writing about the first night home, Austin’s memorial, and my first experience with numbing my pain…

Austin John 5-19-2001 – 5-21-2001

There is not a day that goes by that I dont think about you my little Guardian Angel… Mommy loves you!!

 

Why is God doing this to ME?

2015-04-13 08.09.56

 

I  would like to start this blog by saying this is the first time EVER posting a picture publicly of my first born baby boy… 

We named our baby Austin John… They wheeled me up to his incubator, tubes coming out of his tiny body everywhere, breathing tubes, feeding tubes, IV’s. He had little clothe glasses on to protect his eyes from the incubator lights, his eyes hasn’t even opened yet. His skin so red, so thin. I was in complete and utter shock, this was all happening so fast! The first thing the nurse had said to me was “you need to talk to your son, he can hear everything your saying, he can sense your presence.” I didn’t know what to say other than, “Mommy loves you so much, you need to fight! You are STRONG!” The nurse continues to explain to us how we can put our hands in the incubator, rub his head, he can feel our touch, our warmth. I put my hands in there, started rubbing his head, he even had a tiny bit of blonde hair. He was 13 inches long, so he measured from my finger tips to just below my elbow, that’s how I held him through this big machine, I cupped him with my hand. I longed to hold to him, I haven’t yet got to hold my baby. At this point, it will be a long time before I will.

I sat with my new-born little boy for a long time, I’m still tired and sore from labor, and worn out, but I don’t wanna leave him. The Neonatologist had spoken with us, gave us some statistics, his survival rate, being born at 23 and a half weeks is very slim, about 40% but we had hope. He said we need to go get some rest, and they are gonna run some test on his lung function, and some other things. The Doctors also encourages my family to donate blood for him, in case there will be an occasion that he may need blood, or a blood transfusion. I couldn’t, my blood type was A negative and His was A positive. Not even that I could do for my son, at this point, I’m helpless, I can’t do nothing for him.

We go back to my room, I rest, and Family are in and out all day, the father taking them to the NICU to see Austin. I shower, and the nurse comes in with a breast pump! My milk is the best thing for little man rite now, at this time, so I whip down my ugly hospital gown and start pumping and pumping, and nothing… Its to early on, I’m not even producing milk yet. I’m so frustrated at this point and so sad. I go see my little boy, he seems to be doing good, I talk to him, he even has a picture of us in his “crib.” I sing him a lullaby and kiss my finger and touch it to his head, and I pray.

The next morning, again, family in and out, going to peak in the window at Austin, only immediate family can go in the NICU. Family members crying, I’m getting phone calls, people are bringing flowers and “congrats” balloons to me, and I just can’t be happy, my little boy is down in the NICU with tubes, IV’s, monitors everywhere! I finally get up, and I march down there demanding to see my baby!! As soon as I get down there, all I see are Doctors and nurses, rushing to and hovering my baby. His Dad comes running out and stops me! “GRESHA, you don’t want to go in there.” I started in “WHAT? WHATS WRONG, WHY ARE THEY SURROUNDING HIM? WHATS HAPPENING TO MY CHILD?” This was the first time BOTH of his lungs collapsed. By the time I finally pushed my way through, the Docs had reinflated them, now there are new tubes coming out of his sides, for his lungs. He was stable.

His father and I discussed getting him baptized. And what better time then now, we don’t know how long he has. We got a preacher, He came into the NICU along with my parents, his parents, us and a few others, we all gathered around his incubator, we held hands, and we Prayed while the Preacher put a tiny bit of holy water in a tiny sea shell and poured it on Austins head, “In the name of the Father, of the Son, and the Holy Spirit.”

The next morning, on May 21st, 2001, early, the Neonatologist came to speak with us, Austins lungs had collapsed again, they did an ultrasound on his brain to check for fluid and other things, the outcome wasn’t what we wanted, The Doctor told us we need to make a descision, this is when we made phone calls, got all of our family to the hospital, and we had to make a descison, a descision that would change my life forever, the toughest descision I’ve ever had to make in my life, I was just 18 and I, with the help and support of our families, had to make a descision that would tear me apart, ruin me, my life would forever be changed, my heart would no longer be whole.

 

– Please keep in mind, while reading this, it was very hard for me to remember some things that happened, It all happened so fast, i have block a lot out, a lot I didnt want to remember, this post was tough… So sorry if any family is reading this, please feel free to leave a comment and post what memories you have. I would greatly appreciate it…

 

 

 

My World Shattered

 

2015-04-12 09.05.20

 

When I got to the hospital, they took me up to labor and delivery, they did a test and told me that my water had broken, I was 24 weeks pregnant, and my water broke, the baby can not survive to long without the amniotic fluid, but even if he stays in for a couple more days, his survival rate will increase, so they pump me full of magnesium, which is to help stop contractions, which I didn’t know at the time, but I was having them for 2 days prior, I thought they were just cramps, or Braxton hicks, which everyone said was normal, which is, but in my case, it was the real thing.

At this hospital, it was small so they did not have the equipment for babies that are premature. They put me in an ambulance, hooked up to all kinds of cords, and monitors, once again, there are both my mom and dad. They had no room for them because the monitors were taking up a lot of space, I remember my dad saying “it will be ok, we will be right behind you, we love you!” I remember a feeling of pure terror, I was so scared.

While in the ambulance, the contractions got so intense and they were coming about every 2 minutes, so the nice lady with me gave me some IV pain meds.

My parents had called the father, him and his mom had met me at the hospital, which happened to be right in the city they lived in, so they got there, waiting in the room for me to arrive. Then my parents would arrive soon after. The Doc came in, they did an ultrasound to try to determine how big my baby boy was. They pump me full of steroids to try to get the babies lungs ready, because this early on in gestation, they are not fully developed. I don’t remember a whole lot, but do remember them checking my dilation and saying, “ok hun, this baby is wants to come NOW!” “He isn’t suppose to come now, I’m not ready, he isn’t ready!” So with the father, and my parents, and a whole team of neonatologist in the room, There I was, pushing out this tiny baby, it didn’t take much, he was so small. He came out, let out a tiny little squeal and they rushed him away, I didn’t even get to see my baby. I remember my dad saying he was proud of me. Tears in my parents eyes, they just watched their first grandchild being rush away, so tiny, so fragile.

All I could do was cry, my beating heart was just ripped right out of my chest. “What happened? What have I done wrong during my pregnancy that caused this?” I smoked a little pot in the first trimester, but I stopped smoking pot and cigarettes by my 3rd month, I racked my brain, and could come up with nothing. The Doc said this kind of stuff happens, its nothing you did, we will run some tests, and see what may have cause this.

I remember so much of my family coming and going, my brother and sister, my grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, friends, even the father’s family, and of course, my parents. They barely left my side besides to go home, shower and come back.

The neonatologist came to speak with us, my baby boy, Austin John weighed in at 1 pound 5 ounces and 13 inches long. He is stable, but this is what they call the honeymoon period. He will seem like he is doing good for the first 24 hours, but he and you guys as well, have a long road ahead of you.

He was born May 19th 2001, and was not actually due until September 9th 2001. I was 23 week and 3 days along.

 

I’m not sure how much longer it was before they wheeled me down to see him, his father already went to see him, and had warned me, “he is very tiny.” We got to the NICU, we had to scrub everything, hands, nails, arms, then put on our yellow gown, and then they wheeled me threw the doors. There he lay… His tiny, little, fragile body, with his paper-thin skin, but 5 little fingers and 5 little toes, everything about him on the outside was so perfect, but internally, he was not fully developed. My whole being, my heart, my soul, everything I am and have is in that incubator.

My World Was Flipped Upside Down

So I learned I was pregnant, wow!!! Im JUST 18, what in the world am I going to do? How am I going to tell the father, how am I going to tell my PARENTS!!!??? I went to the doctor because I was feeling sick, tired, groggy, never would I have thought about getting pregnant, I was on the pill!! Apparently, when on the birth control pill, one can not take antibiotics because it makes the BC useless, that, the Doctor could have told me, but failed to. Here we go!!! I tell the father and he contemplates the unthinkable for a minute, we all know what that is, and we all know i wasn’t for it!! Then adoption comes up for a minute, literally! chats not gonna happen, we are keeping this baby! Next step, my parents…

I was at school one day and this information was killing me keeping it a secret!! I told my councler, and she urged me to go home, call my mom AT WORK and tell her we had to talk, so i did. About a half hour later she was home, she must have flew home as she works in lansing, deep down, she knew what I was about to tell. “Mom, I dont even know how to say this….Im pregnant!” “I knew it! We havent been going threw as many tampons, your dad will be home in a couple hours, and you have to tell him yourself!” That was about it for mom, all that she said that I remember. A couple hours went by and it felt like eternity!! Finally, Dad pulls in the driveway, my heart is pounding as he walks in the door, sits his lunch pale down and I start “Dad, there’s something I have to tell you…..Im pregnant!” At this part Im bawling my eyes out, SO HARD!! What he says next is amazing! “BY WHO?” Thinking he was trying to lighten the mood and tension in the air! He came over to me, gave me a hug and tells me everything will be ok, they both will do whatever they have to, to help me, after all, they are gonna have a grandchild, their first! They continued to say the only thing they were dissapointed in was, I didn’t wait. Well it’s not like it was planned. This is another example of how they love unconditionally, and support me no matter what the situation, they’re awesome!

So now, we prepare to have a baby, we set up Doc appointments, get our lives situated to have a baby in the house, at my parents, mentally prepare ourselves, physically prepare ourselves.

Mothers day 2001 was my very first mothers day, my mom got me a little something, I was almost 6 months pregnant, my baby bump was getting big, I was feeling fat! Ugh, just feeling sick and horrible.

Its 2 a.m. on May 19th, I got up to go to the bathroom, went back to my room and get this sensation i was peeing my pants so I get up, I see water is dripping down my leg! I’m thinking “what the hell, I JUST WENT PEE, am I seriously peeing the bed right now?” Then it just wouldn’t stop, so I ran downstairs, woke my parents up, showed them and before we knew it, we were hauling ass in my dads old crown vic to the hospital… It was there, that the doc gave me the horrible, scary news! Im 6 months pregnant, and this baby is coming weather we want it to or not!!!

My Family is My Strength

2015-03-14 21.32.44

This is my Family… Husband Devin, and children, Aden Paul, Steehl Lewis, Reign Arthur and Pheenyx Lou…

Everyday I Pray to God to give me the Strength, motivation, will power, energy and patients to get threw one more day clean… He shows me, threw them, that He is answering my Prayers… Just thought I would show you what and who gets me threw everyday!

Started Looking and Acting Older

From about the age of 12 on, I always looked older then what I was. My parents hated this, I know they did, I started puberty early, like 4th grade early! So of course I started getting boobs at an early age. This lead me to always hang out with older people. When I got into highschool I started struggling, Freshman year I started dating a guy that smoked pot, so this is when I started to experiment with Marijuana… Instantly loved it!! Loved the way it made me feel, loved the taste, everything about it. Throughout my freshman year, I started hanging out with the “cool crowd!” Also started hanging out with someone much older than I, at 15 years old I was hanging out with someone over 21.

This was when I would start the lying. This person would take me to parties, I started drinking, smoking more weed, coming home at all hours of the nite with my parents waiting up for me. Never understood until I had children of my own what that must have felt like, not knowing where I was, or if I was dead.

I eventually failed out of highschool and had to go to an alternative school, people would call it “school for stupid kids, or bad kids!” I did good in this school, only because there was no work, no studying, we pretty much passed for showing up! This did not help in the long run, believe me…

At the age of 17, I met a guy, we were dating for a few months when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Here is where my whole world changes, my life stops, and begins the downward spiral…